Episode 1 of 29.

(reposted from June 11, 2018)

It began with an obstacle race, a pregnant cancer patient, a wonky heart chakra, and a trophy wife trying to keep it all together without having to snort Xanax to make it through the day. About three years ago, I had a mini-breakdown. And thirty-three years ago, my mother died of cancer. In 29 days, I will be alive longer than my mother. All these things needed their story told, so I decided I would write every day for 29 days, telling the story of my pregnant mother who passed away only weeks after being diagnosed with cancer, leaving a 4 year old me, 2 year old brother, and 6 week old sister behind to navigate life. As well as the story of my breakdown and eventual transcending—the journey of ending the trance I had numbingly settled in for 34 years, only to come alive, like the bearded lady sings in The Greatest Showman. I came alive. 
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Hashtag TruthTime: This makes me nervous—being vulnerable and baring my journey to the social media world, letting everyone know I don’t have my sh#* together (sorry, Aunt’s—I love Jesus but I cuss a little.) But like my good friend Brene Brown says, (Brene, call me!) vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and our struggle with worthiness. But it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. For 34 years, I was content to numb my emotions, however, you cannot selectively numb. You numb pain and fear and unworthiness and loneliness, but you also numb joy and gratitude and happiness. Glennon Doyle Melton also tells me, “I used to numb my feelings and hide. Now I feel my feelings and share.” 
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So, social media world, I’m feeling my feelings and sharing: I invite you to join me on this journey, maybe you find yourself also numbing your feelings and trying to hide, maybe you were a friend or a nurse or doctor in Athens, Georgia in 1985 and were a part of my mother’s journey (I’d love to hear from you!), perhaps you are trying desperately to be the perfect trophy wife/woman/sister/mother/person and it’s just too damn hard. Me too, girl. Me too. I invite you to sing along with the bearded lady as I unfold the story of how Sue Marie Trane’s untimely and tragic death lead to her daughter finally coming alive. 
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“You stumble through your days, got your head hung low, your skies’ a shade of grey. Like a zombie in a maze, you’re asleep inside but you can shake away. Cause you’re just a dead man walking, thinking that’s your only option, but you can flip the switch and brighten up your darkest day. Sun is up and the color’s blinding, take the world and redefine it. Leave behind your narrow mind, you’ll never ever be the same…so come alive.” –The Greatest Showman

And we're back.

Here I am. Two years later. Typing on my keyboard with a broken shift key cause my kids spilt milk or something on it, like 6 months ago. so forgive the lowercase. i'm tired of hitting the right shift key.

i am up because i lost my kids puppy tonight. the little, cute morkie ran out the gate (that i left open while i zoomed out the driveway to see my homeopathic doctor who had to give my 7 year old an emotional remedy.) and lo and behold, it's 9:00 at night and we're wondering where the dog is. i drive up and down the street asking neighbors, someone says some lady picked her up. so off to make "lost dog" signs tomorrow. and please, lord, the dog shows up otherwise my 7 year old, who is already anxious about loosing her tooth and blood squirting everywhere and possibly having a bad dream about it and also anxious about the car driving (impossibly) into our pond, is now anxious about her lost puppy.

and after "the lost puppy incident" occurred, my fiscally responsible hubs does the budget and realizes i've been buying food and gas and necessities. and also soccer camp. and floaties for the pool. possibly a bottle of wine was purchased, too. and so i get the semi-guilt trip of "only spending what we budgeted to spend" talk. and i'm only half listening cause i'm trying to laugh about the latest snl church lady skit.

and before the "lost puppy incident where my mom who didn't even buy the dog a collar or a microchip zoomed off before we could even think about taking care of our dog" happened, i went to our homeopathic lady this morning where my emotional healing journey came to a glorious not-conclusion. really just another chapter of my "i kind of thought my heart was healed but i guess maybe i should just be ok with being in a constant state of a hot mess" journey. which i'll get to some day. next week or in two more years.

and yes, we are those crazy people who do homeopathic and oil and emotional remedy stuff. and she thought my pancreas was out of whack and that has to do with my heart and emotional stuff-ed-ness that i'm so good at. and so while i'm taking a foot bath, trying to detox my body, and also doing a lot of random crying, i'm thinking through the teacher gift i have to organize for my 5 year old. and also what's for lunch, since apparently my pancreas is not liking what i'm eating right now.

then after i pick all three girls up from school, and two fall asleep, i call my friend on speakerphone, cause who knows where my stupid ear buds are. and i talk to her in a half-whisper, half-yell-into-the-speaker-phone cause i need the gps on my phone to show me how to get to trader joe's. and all we're doing is just organizing a changing-the-world-kind-of-women's-gathering in our local community. you know--talking shop, like logistics and stuff. all the while i'm trying to exchange two near-comatose children (neither with shoes on, we later discover in the bathroom) into the shopping cart, forgetting my save-the-planet-reusable-bags in the trunk, and whisper directing the 7 year old to get the miniature cart cause everything is NOT going to fit in one buggy since the purse and the 5 and 3 year old are already taking up 98% of it. meanwhile, creating an org-chart with my good friend Elizabeth on the phone. also, at the exact same time thinking of healthy and organic food to buy that my kids may or may not actually eat. and will possibly tell each other, "just hold your nose while you eat it and you won't have to taste it." thank you, children.

then it's home again to mow a single strip of the lawn so i can lay the hose back down on it to water the garden that is exactly two acres away from the house. the garden which i so lovingly don't weed. and as i'm almost done mowing, the girls give me the "emergency!! someone is either bleeding or missing or unconscious" signal, so i cut the engine, pull the ear buds out, and hop down, only to discover the 7 year old quote un-quote "whipped" the 5 year old with a small piece of twine after the said 5 year old refused to go inside to get the 3 year old another baby doll. so 20 minutes of fight club dialogue  later, i think we resolve the issue, only to get the reminder on my phone to put the meatballs in the oven. and then the text from my homeopathic lady to come get the emotional recover remedy for the anxious 7 year old. then i loose the dog. then i destroy the budget. then i realize i need that blasted recover remedy cause I'm the anxious one around here. and why didn't i have a glass of wine before bed?!?!

then i realize i am a hot mess. but, its a work in progress. my heart is. and my pancreas.

and tomorrow, i will find that dog. work through some emotional healing during my 4 minutes of morning yoga, tell my kids and my hubs that they are literally the best things ever, hug my friends and say, "thank you for sistering me," and then mix a little of that blasted emotional recover remedy into my wine after all the kids are in bed. :)

Love the Mystery

Spoiler alert: this blog is a little different than the previous blogs.  I like documenting the life and times of my kids and hubs, but as for this blog, I wanted to use it as a platform for a passion that’s been burning into my heart. So, no cute kid stories here.  Only raw material. And it says “Jesus” and “God” and stuff. So it won’t bother me if you scroll fast to look at the pictures or just shut er’ down now. Here it go…

Last summer, while I was at the lake, drinking coffee and feeling the breeze from the lake, I was loving the lyrics from Jars of Clay’s new song, “We Will Follow.” One particular line burns into my mind as an answer to a question that’s been plaguing the church and Christians today, “What does it look like to love others?” 

And by others, I mean everyone, regardless of their struggles with alcohol and drug addiction, their broken relationships, liberal or democrat, sexual orientation.  Everyone.

Jars of Clay in their song, “We Will Follow” says: Set us free, to love the mystery, until our eyes are clear enough to see you. 

So is there an aspect of mystery in regards to our relationship with others? Do we need God to set us free (from the need to have all the answers) so we can simply love the people He sets in front of us (all the while being OKAY with the “What Abouts” floating around in our church culture) and eventually our eyes will become clear enough to truly see God (and His desperate love for the world)?

As Starting Point leaders (an INCREDIBLE environment at Watermarke and the North Point churches for starters, seekers and returners—check it out: Starting Point), we meet people from every walk of life.

When they take a step in the direction of God, we are some of the first folks privileged to walk that road with them. We have the incredible opportunity to be the walking, talking version of His unconditional love. 

Unconditional love literally meaning: I will love you without condition. 

I will love you, listen to you, be here for you, go to coffee with you, hug you when you cry, and rejoice when your heart is set free. 

I will do so regardless of you coming to group high or drunk, or admitting that you think you’re gay, or that you’re not sure if God exists. I will literally love you without condition.

What if we took seriously Jesus’ commission to us to “Love God and love others” and in so doing, let Love guide the way in our relationships with others? We let Love be the root of our discussions, our thoughts, the way we related to others, the central focus of our evangelical moments? How different would our relationships with others (in our churches, in our neighborhood, at work, in our crazy extended family) be if we let LOVE be the first card we played?

A blogger I read Candace Datz and her thoughts on LOVE: If I am to err in interpreting the Bible, which I probably will since I’m a human being, I would rather intentionally err on the side of more inclusion, acceptance, and generosity.  I really can’t imagine Jesus saying to me, “You were too kind and loving and you didn’t put your foot down enough,” but I could definatley see him saying, “You didn’t take care of those around you and you alienated those that I love.”

I would like to err on the side of love. 

I would like to trust God to shake out all those “what abouts” and “we/you/I should”s. I would like to love the mystery while God is changing hearts and minds and souls. 

I don’t want to make it “difficult for others to believe.” I DO want to clear the way for God to work in a person’s life. I DO want to lead others into a growing relationship with Jesus. 

I would simply like to do the small thing He asked of us: Love God (check), and love others (Okay. Let's nail it.)

What if we really did trust God to shake out all those other matters and “what abouts” and “we/I/you should”s?  What if we just did what He asked us and loved Him with our whole heart and soul and mind and strength (and honestly let Him change OUR heart and soul and mind and strength)?  

What if we truly let Him lead us and agreed to follow into whatever territory He wants us to be?  What if we just embraced and loved the mystery until our eyes are clear enough to see (You, Lord.  And everyone you created and love desperately.) What if we let Him open up our hearts and reach inside?  How would that affect the way we honestly love other people?  

What if we did all that? What if we “didn’t’ make it difficult for others to believe” by clearing the way and simply letting Love lead us?  How would that change the way people would think about church? How would that open the door for people to even open up their hearts for God to fill it with love?  

How would it change us if we just admitted that there are mysteries only God knows and the only thing He’s asking us to do is to be His love on Earth.  

Be His love in a coffee shop.  In your community.  In your neighborhood.  In your weird extended family.  Everywhere you are, God is simply asking you to be the walking talking version of the same unconditional love that created the world, made a promise to redeem it, forgave it time and time again, continued to fight for it, until the day that the Greatest Love was sacrificed once and for all.

THAT love is what we have got to be.

Open up our hearts and reach inside, sweet Jesus.

It’s like standing at a window and looking at the lake thinking, “This is beautiful. I’m really experiencing the lake.”

But what if you stepped outside in the grass and sand, and dove right in?

It may be cold. It may be dirty and messy. 

But just as Jesus prompts us to go into the world and love His people, regardless of the mess, regardless of all the unanswered questions, He is simply asking us to trust the mystery. To follow Him as He leads us.

I don’t know how the LGBTQ issue works or legalizing pot or any of the other messy and complicated aspects of life with people, but one thing I know for sure is--

 I’d rather err on the side of loving God and loving people with everything I am, diving right in, than to stand on the outside looking through the window as this beautiful, mysterious life passes me by.

Open up our hearts and reach inside, Lord.

 Is that a more “fuller” and “whole” experience of the lake?  Heck yes. 

But I can see the pushback on that, “Well, it’s sort of cold and windy out there.  Also, I don’t have shoes on and there’s a bit of mud on the ground. That's for other people. Not me. I think I’m ok just experiencing the lake from inside.”    

So similar to our growing relationship with Jesus.  

We start at the window.  

Looking out side at the world, at the beautiful things and people He created. 

We say, “Oh look!  There are people out there who are hurting and in need of a savior and a friend and love. I’ll pray for them.  I hope it works out!” 

But then Jesus prompts us to leave that window and go outside into the world He created. 

Love the people He created.  

Is it messy? Is it inconvenient at times?

Will there be times when we simply have to “trust the mystery until our eyes are clear enough to see [God]”? 

We may not understand how the LGBTQ issue works or smoking pot or any of the other complicated aspects of life with people, but one thing I am certain of-- 

I’d rather err on the side of loving God--

and people-- 

standing with people as they grow in their relationship with Jesus--

than to stay on the inside--

looking through a window-- 

as this beautiful, mysterious life passes you by.   

Maureen steps off her soapbox and drops the mike. :)